


Be Still My Heart

by Thorianna



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Angel/Demon Relationship, Angst and Fluff and Smut, College, Crying, First Kiss, First Love, First Time, First Time Blow Jobs, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Healing, Heaven, Hurt Aziraphale (Good Omens), Hurt/Comfort, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Love Confessions, M/M, Past Violence, Protective Aziraphale (Good Omens), Protective Crowley (Good Omens), Shame, Soft Crowley (Good Omens)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:55:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22146052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thorianna/pseuds/Thorianna
Summary: They met before space and time at a place called The College. When Crowley saved Aziraphale from other angels, he had no idea an insignificant spark would lead to something much bigger. Something neither demonic nor angelic. Just human.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 44





	Be Still My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there! I probably made a few grammar mistakes here and there, english is not my first language, so please be forgiving. There are a few minor changes, the stairs and a bedroom in Aziraphale’s bookshop. I just liked the idea of Crowley rushing up the stairs. Also I imagine Crowley with those luscious, long bushy hair he had in the manor. Although, as we all know, he could look completely different in 2004.
> 
> Enjoy! ♥

_The College  
_Before Space and Time  
_ _

Every day at the College was sunny. There were no rainy or windy days. Just light coming from the sky, sometimes more blinding, sometimes less. The College looked like Earth or what Earth was supposed to be. Buildings with tall towers made of pale stone, with lands of green grass surrounding them. Trees, flowers, everything blooming. So peaceful and perfect you'd think it was a picture.

The students were angels. The most celestial creatures God has ever created. Pure, divine yet cold and sadistic. They were very far from what was God planning to create but he needed helpers and was willing to teach them. That's why he made The College. To see them think and act on their own. Oddly enough, what he witnessed was surprisingly human.

The angel Aziraphale has met the future demon known as Crowley for the first time in a dark alley behind The College. Back then both of them were just a glimmer of the future selves. 

“Are you alright?” asked Crowley a person lying on the ground, bruised and humiliated.  
“I…” the voice whimpered but went quiet right away. His celestial form shivered and huddled.  
“Let's get you back on your feet,” Crowley offered him his hand and Aziraphale accepted.

That was the first time they looked at each other. Crawley was worried. The thugs who were beating this sweet creature a few moments ago and have disappeared the second he yelled at them. 

He wiped the tears off Aziraphale's face and saw a pair of massive blue eyes. This pretty thing was disgraced by vile blue and purple bruises.They haven't got their human bodies yet, so they couldn't get hurt as people do. Aziraphale's celestial body was marked by other angels as weak and worthy of abuse. This mark was far more deep than any flesh injury could ever be.

He was still too shocked to speak. Crowley took him to the gardens, far away from others, so he could heal in peace.  
“They hate me. It's because I'm different,” Aziraphale said, after a moment of silence.   
“What do you mean?” Crowley stopped staring at blooming Peonies and turned his head at him.  
“It's the way I think. And the things I do. They don't like it,” he spoke while his hand covered the bruise. “Anyone who sticks out is an enemy.”  
“It terrifies them,” Crowley tried to comfort him. ”They're cowards. There's not a spot of creativity in their heads.” He wanted to pat his shoulder, but Aziraphale moved away from his hand. The bruises on his face were slowly fading, but still very obvious. Aziraphale kept hiding them shamefully. 

Crowley felt sorry for him but at the same time he understood more than anyone ever could. He himself had experienced violence from other angels. Soon he created a shell around him and with every push back and every mean word the shell hardened. He didn't give them a reason or provoked them in any way. Sometimes the weak ones are just picked randomly. You won't pay attention at the start and all of a sudden your role has been assigned.He was sad and angry for being so isolated from everyone but at the same time he couldn’t stand seeing someone else getting hurt the same way.

“You have to fight back!” he declared irritatedly.  
“I just want to be normal,” Aziraphale protested. “I want them to like me. We're angels and we're on the same side! I'm not as brave as you. I just can't get up and _fight back_. That would ruin me. I hate being on my own.”  
Crowley hung his head. After that he had no idea what else to say.

The sky turned pink, then lilac. They were still in the gardens. Aziraphale decided to go back. His face was normal again. He was lucky this time. If Crowley turned up a moment later it might take him all night to heal.  
“Good night,” he said to him and Aziraphale simply nodded in gratitude. He was a very shy angel back then. When they separated, Crowley kept wandering around the building for a while, before he finally paid attention to the caustic thought in the back of his head. He will do literally anything to make sure no one will hurt Aziraphale ever again. And that was the first step towards his fall.

__London Soho_  
2004_  
_Fifteen Years Before the End of the World_

Lights in angel's bookshop were off. A maze of books was only enlightened by yellow street lights entering through the windows. Crowley has seen the bookshop in this state so many times during his midnight wanderings through the veins of London, the sudden sense of something not being right has surprised him. 

He looked up at the widows and saw light. That was normal. Aziraphale rarely slept. He was usually reading at night, since he was quite busy during the day. Nothing unusual so why Crowley had that feeling of a bad energy in the air. That was one of his specialities, just like the angel could sense love, he could sense anger, pain and sadness. Something was definitely going on. And he guessed what it was the moment he stopped.

Crowley had no reason to interfere. He has fallen ages ago and wasn't sure if he understood heaven's affairs anymore. Also Aziraphale wouldn't want him to. They're so alike sometimes. Keeping things to themselves. Hiding in their shells. Everything's going to be alright, just don't bother anyone with it...

“Don't do it. Don't go there. Just keep moving.” Crowley spoke to himself on an empty street, that was still wet from the rain that crossed the city an hour ago. He slowly passed the bookshop doors. One... two... three... four more steps and he'll be on the other side of the street and can continue in his walk… 

“Angel!” Crowley ran through the door of the store, nearly ripping off the bell hanging above it. He ran to the first floor. Up the stairs, through another door, into angel's living room. It was empty. As Crowley was trying to catch a breath he walked through the room with his long legs, checking every corner, hoping to find his friend. He must have been there. The light was on, music was playing and fireplace was softly crackling. The sense of something bad got stronger.

“Angel, please,” Crowley cried, turning around like a spinning top.  
“Crowley?”   
Aziraphale was standing in a door frame of his bedroom, still wearing his white coat. He looked shocked, tired and oddly fragile. Also he was pressing a tartan handkerchief to his mouth.

“Hey,” Crowley suddenly felt terribly awkward. Like a sobering man remembering his shameful behaviour. “I was just passing by, so I decided to walk in and say hi.”  
“I see,” Aziraphale nodded tactfully. “I'm afraid this is a very bad time for a visit, my dear. I have a lot of paperwork to do.”  
He tried to smile, but he muscles didn't obey. The coat. The handkerchief. Everything was wrong. Crowley stopped regretting this irruption and walked straight to Aziraphale.   
“Are you alright?”  
“Tip-top. Why are you asking?” Angel dodged him, with the handkerchief still stuck on his face. “I'll show you to the door,” he said quickly, about to escape from his reach, but Crowley's hand landed on his shoulder. The touch was so intense, the angel was forced to stop. It wasn't more than just a subtle presence of his fingertips, yet angel's body shivered under their weight.  
“I told them,” Aziraphale stumbled, “that they're wrong. I wanted to fight. But they were… they are always so much stronger than me.”  
“Hey… it's okay,” Crowley appealed, pressing at Aziraphale's shoulder, making him turn his face at him. Aziraphale rolled his wet eyes helplessly before he showed him his lips. 

This mark was one of the ugliest Crowley has even seen. A ghoulish black wound was bruising his chin, corner of a mouth and a part of his cheek.  
“Bastards,” Crowley breathed.  
Aziraphale's already giant eyes got even bigger. “P-please...” 

The angel was terrified. Not of the pain, but of Crowley's reaction. The paralyzing fear of him doing something insanely stupid. In that second Crowley has realized how much the angel cared about him. More than he ever dreamed of. The heat of rage slowly changed for something warm and soft. It helped him to calm down, but it was the hardest thing ever, since he was prepared to set the whole heaven on fire.

He slightly bend his knees to take a better look. “Does it hurt a lot? We could try putting ice on it. And maybe some Arnica,” he lead Aziraphale to the couch and made sure he sat down. The angel hid the mark with a handkerchief again.

“The coat, give me your coat,” he helped his friend to take the heavy vintage coat and threw it on the nearest chair.   
“You should put it on the hanger. Otherwise it will get wrinkly,” Aziraphale pointed and Crowley swallowed his typical growl and did what he wanted. Then he found some ice and a bottle of Arnica. He noticed that the bottle was nearly empty. It could be because Aziraphale's bookshop was limited in space and one could easily hurt himself jinking between the furniture. Or there was another, more revolting reason.

When Aziraphale allowed him to press the ice on his bruise, Crowley finally relaxed a bit. He didn't want to be tense while he was attending someone who jerked timorously every time he touched him.

“It will be gone soon,” he tried to calm the angel down. “I could spend the night here if you want.”  
Aziraphale didn't respond at first. “Are you angry with me?”  
That surprised the demon. “Why would I? You did nothing wrong.”  
“But that's…. That's not true,” he claimed, eyes filling with tears again and his head hung down. “I could have stayed silent. But I was stupid and angry and... and now you have to nurse me like a nanny. For heaven's sake! I'm so pathetic!”  
“Stop it,” he touched his chin to rose his face up again and see the blemish properly. “What was the fight about?”  
“It was… well…”  
“Well?”  
“About you.”  
“Pardon?”

Aziraphale stared at him, expecting a reaction, but Crowley was lost.  
Angel sighed. “Well… it was rather silly. They just said something about you. I disagreed. Then we started fighting and soon after Gabriel left the scene, the others just… attacked. But I'm sure he knew it was going to happen. He always does.”  
“You stood up for me?”  
”I did, yes.”  
“But why? Before the entire heaven?”  
“It's because…” Aziraphale gazed at his own lap. Suddenly the pain was nothing compared to this. He wasn't sure how to say it or if he should say it at all, but when he looked up, he noticed Crowley's jaw dropped. He looked quite silly. If Aziraphale wasn't in such condition, he'd giggle. But then he got scared a bit. Will Crowley get up and leave, or will they spend the rest of the evening in awkward silence?

“Crowley, please, say som-”  
“Can I kiss you?”  
Aziraphale's body twitched. “You want to…?”

He tried to understand. Of course he knew about kissing although he has never really tried it with anyone. Was his confession worthy of a kiss? His face turned red when he realized what he actually said. He should have known Crowley was further experienced in human interactions and he understood the situation more than the angel even could.

“I don't know,” he stumbled and pointed at the mark. “What if it hurts?”  
“Just tell me when it does…” Crowley leaned forward and Aziraphale closed his eyes and parted his lips. Crowley's hair brushed against his cheek and a moment later their lips touched. Aziraphale opened his mouth a little wider and his bruised muscles protested. He couldn't care less at that moment. Crowley's lips were dry at first, but then wet and soft. If felt like a beautiful eternity but then Crowley moved away and the warmth of his face has abandoned him. It made him feel very sad and longing.

“How was it?” the demon asked and Aziraphale opened his eyes.  
“I..” he was trying to find something to look at, “I realized I haven't offered you anything to drink.”  
“You don't have to be ashamed.”  
“T-here's a bottle of Pinot Grigio in the back, if that suits your fancy.”  
“So you liked it?” Crowley moved closer and blocked Aziraphale's escape way with his body. “It's okay. We have human bodies, enjoying this is a part of it.”  
“Well if you have to know,” Aziraphale sighed blushing. He saw no point in lying since they got so far. He looked straight into Crowley's cat eyes and said: “I actually did.”

Crowley chuckled satisfiedly and he kissed Aziraphale again, this time much firmly. Aziraphale moved his hands from his lap and grabbed demon's shoulders, pulling him closer to his body. For a moment they turned into a bundle of tight grips, rustling fabric and soft moans. Their lips separated only for a second, when Crowley had to look at Aziraphale's belt and undo it.

“I want to please you…” he breathed and the angel permitted. He helped him to take his trousers off and a moment later the clothes were on the floor, getting unsuitably wrinkly.

Crowley truly loved everything about him. His body, his smell, the way he talked and moved, even though sometimes it irritated the hell out of him. He never truly believed he'll be able to get this far. To touch him, kiss him and more. He wanted him to enjoy every moment, to lust for his touch. This wish was rather selfish, but after all he was a demon. That's what they do.

He began gently stroking his cock and watched every twitch in Aziraphale's face. The angel was lying on the couch as pale and gracious as a Venus from Botticelli's painting, with his head tilted back, lips parted and eyes closed. He opened them in a second his cock disappeared in Crowley's wet mouth. He didn't stop him though. He wanted to know what happens next. He has never experienced an orgasm. He had erection before, but those felt so inappropriate he always took a cold shower to get rid of it rather than dealing with it. Never really tried anything. He wanted to stay pure and angelic. But he was curious. People had sex all the time, not just to make children. There must have been something more to it.

This time, he let Crowley finnish him. The tight feeling in his underbelly was getting stronger and tighter, and in a moment he felt like he was about to burst, he actually did.   
“Oh fuck!” he screamed, cumming inside demon's mouth. Crowley did a great job swallowing every hot drop. A sweet orgasm left the angel looking jaded but pleased at the same time.  
“More,” he whispered, looking down at Crowley, still wiping his mouth. This time there wasn't a hint of his usual moral element, this angel was the other Aziraphale, Crowley has loved so much.   
“Lust is a sin, you know,” demon teased him a bit with a grin and kissed the red tip.  
“You started it, dear,” angel replied and they both laughed at each other. That moment made them both feel uniquely human. All of a sudden they were just two lovers enjoying every second together.

They needed a miracle or two to connect properly, without any pain or complications. When Crowley pressed his chest at Aziraphale's body for a final kiss, after everything was done, they were tired, covered in sweat and happy. The angel didn't let him go for the rest of the night. Two naked man, embracing each other tightly with just one blanket covering them. There was nothing like it.

Crowley watched Aziraphale lying next to him, with his eyes closed and mouth relaxed. He wasn't sleeping, that was Crowley sure of, but he looked so peaceful it was touching. The mark was still there, but faded and nearly lost in angel's glowing face. He truly was glowing and shining, full of love, the true nutriment of angels. Crowley remembered that little bruised angel from The College. He was just a tiny drop compared to the ocean he was now. Then the demon saw himself, equally small and naive. He would listen to anyone who was saying the opposite of what God was demanding. Lucifer's words were the fuel he needed. _We'll be equal. No more injustice. No more suffering._ Crowley listened and obeyed. Just to help that little-one from the gardens.

“I couldn't keep my promise,” he whispered, drawing a line with his finger from angel's forehead to his chin. “The one I made to myself the day we met.”  
The angel opened his eyes and turned his head at him. They looked at each other and without any words they understood.  
“C-Crowley…” Aziraphale's face wrinkled. “Oh Crowley, my dearest.”  
“Don't cry,” he kissed him. “I'll teach you how to fight back. And when they're within my reach, I'll deal with them. Leave it to me, and never worry.”

When they parted, Aziraphale didn't want to let Crowley go. He was kissing him for as long as he let him, behind the door of his bookshop and when Crowley walked out, he felt great pain in his chest.

 _Be still, my heart_ , he calmed himself down and went back to his work. It was a labour. His mind kept running away to the lovely night he spent with the demon and he lusted for him. _I'm an angel, for heaven's sake. I should act like it!_

It took a few years before Aziraphale entered heaven again. For him, it was equal to a few human weeks. Another report, everything was going as usual. Aziraphale knew, if he doesn't say anything stupid, he won't be punished. But Michael was in a strange mood that day. He looked irritated and Aziraphale knew that face. He wanted to start a fight. And was ready to win.  
“Well, thank you for your good work, keep it up,” Gabriel has blessed him with one of his hollow smiles and was off to his other affairs.  
“Wonderful, I shall return to Earth then,” Aziraphale nodded and took a step back.  
“That Crowley,” Michael spoke.  
Angel's heart skipped a beat. “Yes? What about him?”  
“Last time you were very defensive of him. Have you changed your mind yet?”  
“I only said, what I believe is true.” Aziraphale tried his hardest not to stutter.  
“So nothing has changed? You're still prepared to defend a demon?”  
“Demon or not, he's a h-” Aziraphale choked on his own words. What was he trying to say? He completely forgot who he truly was. And who Crowley was, but when you're a supernatural entity and you make love to someone out of pure love, it twists your nature a bit and makes you feel very human. Very vulnerable.

Everyone was staring at him. Michael's eyebrows rose so high they were reaching the top of his head.  
“I mean, he's just doing his job, just like we do, don't we?” Aziraphale tried to smile.  
“These are the words you find suitable for describing your greatest enemy?”  
“Oh well-”  
“You need to know where your place is…” Michael made a step towards him and Aziraphale felt all of it again. Fear, humiliation and pain. He should have remembered what Crowley taught him. But fear has shadowed his mind. _I'm sorry, Crowley_ , he thought, _I'm so sorry for letting you down. Crowley… Crowley… Crowley…_

All of a sudden the pain stopped and other angels winced back.  
“What the…”  
“Something's changed!” 

Aziraphale got on his feet staggerly. He had no idea what happened, he only thought of the demon. But it made him stronger. His wings blasted out of his back and spread across the room. They were never this large, distinct and powerful. Aziraphale straightened his back and felt as light as a feather but also as menacing as a bull. His true form blazed through his human body and all the light in the room got dark.  
“Enough!” he spoke in their celestial language and even Michael looked insignificant and primitive compared to him. A moment later all of it was gone. Aziraphale breathed heavily, grabbing his heart and praying his human form will stand it. But it did. God was on his side that day.

After he left heaven, for a while he stood in silence in front of his bookshop, looking wistfully. He tried to understand what truly happened. He remembered how much pain he felt, when they attacked him, but at the same time he felt something, that was much more painful - the thought of Crowley. He has felt this way before. Since the day Crowley saved his books after a bomb landed on a church. Was this love all this time?

When he entered the building he went straight to the phone and rotated a dial from memory.  
“Yes?” Crowley picked right away.  
“I did it,” Aziraphale quavered. “I fought back. Just like you taught me.”  
“Hold on, I'll be there in thirty minutes.”

That day the two of them had a rather lovely evening. They drank a few bottles of Merlot Noir and made love three times. This time no tears and no bruises, just crackling fireplace and Bach's cello suites.


End file.
